Tear Down These Walls

After what I felt was a brutal day and after having a heated fight online with my ex, I was
sick of relationship talk, negativity, and all things related to him. I decided to pack up my computer,
sling on my guitar, and head on over to my friend's house. I drop off my things, relieved to get the weight off my
shoulders, and we start talking. I go to show her the chat, thinking smugly,

"She'll get a kick out of this. She may even find it humorous. Hey, all my other friends did."

...I was horribly mistaken.

After quite a bit of silence, some murmurs, and many clicks, she gives
me back the computer. She seems speechless at first, and she starts to say something before I
see her face completely distort. Her eyes brim red and the tears fall fast. She stares into my soul,
completely disgusted at my behavior, completely concerned at the rate I've been going in life, and she starts
bawling. She starts confiding in me, trying to express to me her view on things. She starts off by saying
that she sees both sides of things, but she tries to open me up to consider how my ex must be feeling
towards all of this.

Out of the anger that I was still in over the chat, I at first don't get where she's trying to go with
any of this. I don't understand her illustrations or her advice that she's trying to give. I didn't realize just how
worried she's been over me, how much I have upset her by my recent behavior. I feel frusterated that I'm not
understanding, and afraid that I'm not giving her the right answers to her questions.

As the conversation progresses towards our individual problems and our struggles with
God, I slowly feel a shift within myself. The scales from my eyes slowly drop, as I feel more open towards
things. My heart softens but feels heavy from conviction. The walls get torn down, brick by brick.
I'm completely surprised to realize that this is the first in-depth, brutally honest conversation that I have had
with this girl in ages. I had started to see the severity of how bad things had gotten between her and I. I figured
that she was one of my best friends, that we were like sisters, since we
live together now. But I've realized that this relationship had been put on pause, had been damaged, and neglected,
like every other relationship in my life. And from last night's heart-to-heart, I start examining the rest of my life.



I allow God to scope out my heart, like a house-guest walking upon a trashed, filthy living room...



As my walk with God had well, been long-gone these past 2 months, I have noticed so much of my
life go to shambles. I mentally know that my life without the Lord is the worst, but I hardly ever take into consideration
just how bad things can get, how much I can lose, until I decide to fall away from Him. As I had made baby-steps towards
neglecting my faith, subtle changes started happenning.

"Oh surely, missing some time, praying and talking to God won't hurt..."

"Oh, studying the Bible or reading it in general is just too tiring...I have other things I want to do."

"I'll make it up tomorrow...or the next day...or...eventually."


As I was clinging to excuses, I started slipping into a deep pit. A crippling depression had left
me in shackles, and I started getting fatigued and weak. I loosely let my tongue slip with frequent
cursing and filthy talk, acting completely out of character. My old struggles and my old sins, the wrong things that I do,
started popping back up. My emotional sickness eventually turned into literal sickness, in which I'm still trying to get over.
My relationships have been strained and my selfishness has reigned in every situation, placing walls between me and them.
I started allowing my circumstances to dictate my mood, my actions, and my entire life.
I have been in need of a serious attitude change...or just a plain reality check.

I have been a hospital patient, in agony over their disease, but clearly unwilling to take the drug that would cure me. I was
deeply suffering in my own consequences, my own pride and selfishness...but I didn't want to give it to God.

It took all of this from last night to get me to want to start making changes. It took last night to try to stop being so self-reliant,
to open up and be a bit more considerate. My friend, and God through her, helped me to see how I've been and what needs to be done
to make things right. I want to go, one relationship at a time, and get things settled. So for the first time in a long time, I started completely
giving it to Him. I started conversing with God and asking for help. And I know what I need to do. I need to seek out and ask for forgiveness
from my ex, from my friends, from my acquiantances and everyone involved. How about you? Do you have anybody you need to work it out
with?

For whoever is reading this...please forgive me for taking all of your time. I'm not writing for an audience--I'm just simply
wanting to share what happened...for those who in my life who have been affected by what's been going on with me, I am deeply
sorry. I'm not asking for you to immediately get over this and pretend everything is okay, because it's not. But I do hope that you can
someday forgive me. I love you guys.

Can any of you relate? Does anybody want to share their experience? If you have any comments, questions, concerns, or opinions,
just drop me a message or comment below. I'd appreciate hearing from you.

~~Sarah Katelyn Parker~~

Game Over

You don't know just how much I want to describe just how I'm feeling.

In fact, I don't think you know how to just plain feel.

I'm not sure just exactly how I'd go at it, but I almost want to do anything I

can to inflict as much pain as you have done towards me.

But, I want to be more mature than that.

Games are for kids.

And I'm done being played like one.

Surely, I could guilt-trip you, blame-shift, cuss you out or shut you out,

but no matter what, it wouldn't do a justice.

Just who can I trust anymore?

Who will stick around anymore?

It's things like this that hardened me more and more.

Things like this that cause me to shut out and be unable

to cry or express myself as I once

would have.

To take advantage of my pain and confusion, because you knew you could have?

To feed off of my drama, my pain, my confusion...

To wedge yourself in the middle of my relationship, in efforts of helping?

I regret letting you in the middle of it.

I regret giving of myself, my time, my emotions, my thoughts to keep up probably

what's been a lie of a friendship. I regret confiding to you, complaining to you.

I should have just kept my mouth shut about all of it.

Did you really have to go at things like this?

Really?

I hope you're happy. I hope your proud, so you can add more to whatever ego

you have. To manipulate, to lie, to use, to fool, to humiliate me to the point of

breaking...all in the name of MY happiness?

Good job. Checkmate. You won.

Game over.

"The songs I can not hear

The voice I can't forget

The thought that just won't fade..."

(You Are, by SKP)

Things Fall Apart, Fiction To Life

Trying to write a blog about a book heavily neglected for 6 weeks tends to

lend more towards the difficult side. It had made a home and a dent at the

bottom of my book bag, for whatever reason. Things Fall Apart truly wasn't

that bad of a book. It truly opens me up to new culture, new names, and

literature that I'm not used to encountering. Set in Africa, the story unfolds about

a local legend, Okonkwo: successful, honored, loved, adored. The story

contrasts between a man and his father, strong versus weak, successful versus failure.

Okonkwo's goal in life was to be everything his father was not. His motive was fear, anger,

and resent towards a failure of a father. But...just WHAT does this have to do with anything?

How does this pertain to me, as well as blog about it?

Like Okonkwo, I have held bitterness towards a

parent and anger towards their mistakes...

I had grown up being raised by my father the first few years

of my life, before moving in with my stepmom. My biological mother was strung over

with a shackling drug addiction for a good portion of her life. As much as I'll always love

her, my mother was the epitome of failure, whether struggling with being jobless, having

relationship problems, drugs, or lack of self-digity. Eventually, this would cause a 5 year

separation from myself and my mother, in efforts by my father to protect me. As I have grown up,

I had heard about my mother, and I have seen the effects it had on my sister and I. I had been so

ashamed of her, for being the way that she was. I had been so scarred, because I felt abandon's

sting. I felt resent towards her for choosing a selfish lifestyle over us. Therefore, I had adopted the

thinking pattern of wanting to make sure I didn't end up like her when I grew up. Though I don't

feel the bitterness towards my mother anymore, I can understand what it's like to feel such

embarassment like Okonkwo did.

I have come to terms with my life, my struggles, my pain. I can learn from my mistakes, as well as

others, without the weight of a heavy heart. Okonkwo had come to terms with his life, his upbringing,

and he pushed through to make something of himself.

How about you? Have you ever been hit by the reality that you can relate to a book character?

I have.

Cheap Shots, Expensive Score

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everyone else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting." -E.E. Cummings. How profound would it be, if people up and told you that you could never be yourself? That their aim and goal in life is your destruction? How absurd it that? Reading a quote like this would strike a person as odd, because you'd never think this to be true. One side of society is all about individuality, personal rights, expression, and the like. The other side, about conformity and being superficial. I think the second thought is ridiculous. I believe that we should live true to ourselves, regardless of the possible repercussions. Regardless of the outcomes, of possible lost relationships, of possible anything, being true to yourself is a rule I try to live by on a daily basis. For years, I have fought, from the outside looking in. I constantly struggled with self-image, self-confidence, and relationships with others. I had an image of how I was supposed to be, yet failed to measure up. I figured that being like everybody else is all that mattered. I hungered for attention and craved acceptance. However, I was emotionally malnourished. I believe that I had faced the worst years of my life in junior high. From finding myself, my identity, my beliefs, my sexuality, my faith, I went through so much life change. I went through friendships like outfits for a date. I constantly would adapt to different people and situations, compromising my beliefs for lies, just to fit in. I never realized how much it would cost me. For such cheap actions, the results were expensive. I look back on my younger years and I realize how over-rated popularity isand everything else can be. I realize that being fake only hurt me in the end. I had damaged potentially awesome friendships, I damaged my self-worth, and I had damaged my life by being fake. I look upon how I handle things then compared to today. That by allowing myself to open up, be real, be honest, that I have gained more genuine friendships. Out with the old, in with the new. I have won respect. I have learned from past mistakes and grown. E.E. Cummings is right…To be myself, in a world where I'm being pulled to be like everyone else, is a constant perpetual battle. How about you? Is it really worth being yourself, if there is such a price to pay? I think so. This is my personal philosophy.

Being Yourself: The Making Of My Personal Philosophy

A opinion expressed by an out-spoken classmate. A ritualistic creed

recited during a ceremony to enter a state of enlightenment. A rushing

businessman who chooses to say, "Excuse me," on his way to work,

avoiding a curt reply.

What could possibly connect these three points together? Personal philosophy.

Philosophy, or the basic beliefs you have that determine how you

live your life, control us on a daily basis. It takes philosophy to drive our

actions, our motives, our thoughts, to just about anything.

The definition is one I struggle understanding.

It seems so complex, though it truly is not.

This concept is what I struggled with these past few days for my new blog

entry. Teens like us don't figure that we have our own personal philosophies.

It sounds too complex. We can't even figure out what to wear during the week,

so how can we POSSIBLY figure out our beliefs?

I happened to be at a loss for a while this week, trying to sift though my thoughts

on philosophy. I accidently picked up an old notebook of mine from 2 years

ago, and found it full of quotes, Bible verses, and other things that had caught

my attention in the past. I read though this, reminscing the memories, and

trying to remember why the quotes stuck with me, what I got out of it them,

and what I get from it now. I kept seeing a familiar theme, surprisingly.

It was of self-worth, loving yourself or being loved, ad being yourself.

Because I had wasted so much time trying to measure up to everybody else's

standards over the years, wasted so much time not being geninue. And I have

come to realize how over-rated it is to be like everyone else. It's so not

worth it. I'd rather be shunned and myself than like everyone else and STILL risk being

shunned. I hope that as you read my philosophy below this post, that my

opinion is evident and that you can see what I try to live by...

Senior Year: From A First-Grade View

"RRRRRR---IIINNN---GG!!!!"

The hallways have a hint of antiseptic spray as its scent, the floors a glossy shine.

I take a look around and shoot up quick prayer and hope for the best. Hesistently,

I muster up the courage to knock on the wooden door...

At the end of last year, I never suspected that I would ever step foot into

the elementary section of our K-12 school again. I had grown up here

with my fellow classmates, felt my first sting of rejection, and developed

my first of many crushes in this elementary school. And now, years later,

I return back to these halls. Why? I got put into cadet teaching 3rd hour.

I never actually chose at will to become a cadet teacher.

To be honest, I have never been great with children, nor do I have a desire

to teach kids in the future, but God willed it that I would be given this opportunity

and exposure to children. Or at least, I'm trying to convince myself of that.

After running on only three hours of sleep and an emotional

high, I wasn't ready yet to do much of anything.

As much as I tried to will myself to drop cadet teaching, I chose not to. Why?

I'm not totally sure. But I believe that I would have regretted it eventually,

so I decided to try it out, since I didn't know what to expect.

I help out a first grade class everyday for 50 minutes

during my 3rd hour class. This has consisted of little jobs here and there, until

the school year gets going along. From cutting out stuff for projects, organization,

filing, and more, I actually haven't been given a huge work load. Unfortunately

for the teacher I help, I only am able to come in while the kids end their morning

activity, go to recess and then lunch. Though I'm not really able to have much hands-on

experience working with the children, I am observing quite a bit.

I am noticing a classroom environment, not from the student perspective, but

as an outsider. I notice the fidgeting, restless children. I notice the kids

who hunger for attention, the kids who struggle, and the kids who try

to show off. I see innocence to hyper-activity. I notice an ever-patient

teacher instructing and taking the little ones under her wing, willing to discipline

without losing her cool. I notice how differently the teacher handles

situations versus how I probably would have handled them had I been in

those situations. And it definitely puts me in my place.

I'm hoping that by the end of the school year, I will walk through that classroom

door unafraid of new experiences. I hope that I will learn more than little

observations of classroom structure, child behavior, and teacher interaction.

But rather, that I would learn more about myself, my weaknesses, and how

I can improve.

Eliminating Temptation: Wishful Thinking Or Reality?

"When temptations are very great or unduly prolonged,

most persons succumb to them. To devise a perfect social order

is probably beyond our powers, but I believe that it is perfectly

possible for us to reduce the number of dangerous temptations

to a level far below that which is tolerated at the present time.

A society so arranged that there shall be a minimum of

dangerous temptations—this is the end towards which,

as a citizen, I have to strive." --A. Huxley

Would any of you say that a world without temptation be

ideal or reasonable? Is it even POSSIBLE to rid of evil completely?

In the above quote, Huxley believes that though we will succeed by limiting

or completely removing temptation...Do you?

Imagine a life without temptation. Some would argue that this would

be a pointless, boring life. Some also don't

care. While others…we would be relieved. On a daily basis,

we are constantly bombarded with temptations, from cheating,

lying, stealing, and more. We do all things necessary to get what

we want, when we want. We are tempted to cheat on our significant

others or tempted to eat that extra candy bar. I personally

believe that temptation is a vice used against us, waging an internal

battle, causing torment and troubles. To escape temptation, we would

have to be out of this world, dead in the body. If it were humanly possible,

then I would love to be able to remove temptation, for temptation brings

sin (the wrong choices we make) to life. If I could be completely self-reliant,

fight out temptation, and never struggle, I would without a shadow of a doubt.

However, how can you can I, imperfect people, eliminate temptation?

We can't. As ideal as this is, I believe life without temptations is wishful thinking,

as long as we are living on this earth. However, I agree with Huxley. I believe

that we could benefit by trying to remove temptations, or remove ourselves from

potentially tempting, compromising situations.