Cheap Shots, Expensive Score

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everyone else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting." -E.E. Cummings. How profound would it be, if people up and told you that you could never be yourself? That their aim and goal in life is your destruction? How absurd it that? Reading a quote like this would strike a person as odd, because you'd never think this to be true. One side of society is all about individuality, personal rights, expression, and the like. The other side, about conformity and being superficial. I think the second thought is ridiculous. I believe that we should live true to ourselves, regardless of the possible repercussions. Regardless of the outcomes, of possible lost relationships, of possible anything, being true to yourself is a rule I try to live by on a daily basis. For years, I have fought, from the outside looking in. I constantly struggled with self-image, self-confidence, and relationships with others. I had an image of how I was supposed to be, yet failed to measure up. I figured that being like everybody else is all that mattered. I hungered for attention and craved acceptance. However, I was emotionally malnourished. I believe that I had faced the worst years of my life in junior high. From finding myself, my identity, my beliefs, my sexuality, my faith, I went through so much life change. I went through friendships like outfits for a date. I constantly would adapt to different people and situations, compromising my beliefs for lies, just to fit in. I never realized how much it would cost me. For such cheap actions, the results were expensive. I look back on my younger years and I realize how over-rated popularity isand everything else can be. I realize that being fake only hurt me in the end. I had damaged potentially awesome friendships, I damaged my self-worth, and I had damaged my life by being fake. I look upon how I handle things then compared to today. That by allowing myself to open up, be real, be honest, that I have gained more genuine friendships. Out with the old, in with the new. I have won respect. I have learned from past mistakes and grown. E.E. Cummings is right…To be myself, in a world where I'm being pulled to be like everyone else, is a constant perpetual battle. How about you? Is it really worth being yourself, if there is such a price to pay? I think so. This is my personal philosophy.

Being Yourself: The Making Of My Personal Philosophy

A opinion expressed by an out-spoken classmate. A ritualistic creed

recited during a ceremony to enter a state of enlightenment. A rushing

businessman who chooses to say, "Excuse me," on his way to work,

avoiding a curt reply.

What could possibly connect these three points together? Personal philosophy.

Philosophy, or the basic beliefs you have that determine how you

live your life, control us on a daily basis. It takes philosophy to drive our

actions, our motives, our thoughts, to just about anything.

The definition is one I struggle understanding.

It seems so complex, though it truly is not.

This concept is what I struggled with these past few days for my new blog

entry. Teens like us don't figure that we have our own personal philosophies.

It sounds too complex. We can't even figure out what to wear during the week,

so how can we POSSIBLY figure out our beliefs?

I happened to be at a loss for a while this week, trying to sift though my thoughts

on philosophy. I accidently picked up an old notebook of mine from 2 years

ago, and found it full of quotes, Bible verses, and other things that had caught

my attention in the past. I read though this, reminscing the memories, and

trying to remember why the quotes stuck with me, what I got out of it them,

and what I get from it now. I kept seeing a familiar theme, surprisingly.

It was of self-worth, loving yourself or being loved, ad being yourself.

Because I had wasted so much time trying to measure up to everybody else's

standards over the years, wasted so much time not being geninue. And I have

come to realize how over-rated it is to be like everyone else. It's so not

worth it. I'd rather be shunned and myself than like everyone else and STILL risk being

shunned. I hope that as you read my philosophy below this post, that my

opinion is evident and that you can see what I try to live by...

Senior Year: From A First-Grade View

"RRRRRR---IIINNN---GG!!!!"

The hallways have a hint of antiseptic spray as its scent, the floors a glossy shine.

I take a look around and shoot up quick prayer and hope for the best. Hesistently,

I muster up the courage to knock on the wooden door...

At the end of last year, I never suspected that I would ever step foot into

the elementary section of our K-12 school again. I had grown up here

with my fellow classmates, felt my first sting of rejection, and developed

my first of many crushes in this elementary school. And now, years later,

I return back to these halls. Why? I got put into cadet teaching 3rd hour.

I never actually chose at will to become a cadet teacher.

To be honest, I have never been great with children, nor do I have a desire

to teach kids in the future, but God willed it that I would be given this opportunity

and exposure to children. Or at least, I'm trying to convince myself of that.

After running on only three hours of sleep and an emotional

high, I wasn't ready yet to do much of anything.

As much as I tried to will myself to drop cadet teaching, I chose not to. Why?

I'm not totally sure. But I believe that I would have regretted it eventually,

so I decided to try it out, since I didn't know what to expect.

I help out a first grade class everyday for 50 minutes

during my 3rd hour class. This has consisted of little jobs here and there, until

the school year gets going along. From cutting out stuff for projects, organization,

filing, and more, I actually haven't been given a huge work load. Unfortunately

for the teacher I help, I only am able to come in while the kids end their morning

activity, go to recess and then lunch. Though I'm not really able to have much hands-on

experience working with the children, I am observing quite a bit.

I am noticing a classroom environment, not from the student perspective, but

as an outsider. I notice the fidgeting, restless children. I notice the kids

who hunger for attention, the kids who struggle, and the kids who try

to show off. I see innocence to hyper-activity. I notice an ever-patient

teacher instructing and taking the little ones under her wing, willing to discipline

without losing her cool. I notice how differently the teacher handles

situations versus how I probably would have handled them had I been in

those situations. And it definitely puts me in my place.

I'm hoping that by the end of the school year, I will walk through that classroom

door unafraid of new experiences. I hope that I will learn more than little

observations of classroom structure, child behavior, and teacher interaction.

But rather, that I would learn more about myself, my weaknesses, and how

I can improve.