Tear Down These Walls

After what I felt was a brutal day and after having a heated fight online with my ex, I was
sick of relationship talk, negativity, and all things related to him. I decided to pack up my computer,
sling on my guitar, and head on over to my friend's house. I drop off my things, relieved to get the weight off my
shoulders, and we start talking. I go to show her the chat, thinking smugly,

"She'll get a kick out of this. She may even find it humorous. Hey, all my other friends did."

...I was horribly mistaken.

After quite a bit of silence, some murmurs, and many clicks, she gives
me back the computer. She seems speechless at first, and she starts to say something before I
see her face completely distort. Her eyes brim red and the tears fall fast. She stares into my soul,
completely disgusted at my behavior, completely concerned at the rate I've been going in life, and she starts
bawling. She starts confiding in me, trying to express to me her view on things. She starts off by saying
that she sees both sides of things, but she tries to open me up to consider how my ex must be feeling
towards all of this.

Out of the anger that I was still in over the chat, I at first don't get where she's trying to go with
any of this. I don't understand her illustrations or her advice that she's trying to give. I didn't realize just how
worried she's been over me, how much I have upset her by my recent behavior. I feel frusterated that I'm not
understanding, and afraid that I'm not giving her the right answers to her questions.

As the conversation progresses towards our individual problems and our struggles with
God, I slowly feel a shift within myself. The scales from my eyes slowly drop, as I feel more open towards
things. My heart softens but feels heavy from conviction. The walls get torn down, brick by brick.
I'm completely surprised to realize that this is the first in-depth, brutally honest conversation that I have had
with this girl in ages. I had started to see the severity of how bad things had gotten between her and I. I figured
that she was one of my best friends, that we were like sisters, since we
live together now. But I've realized that this relationship had been put on pause, had been damaged, and neglected,
like every other relationship in my life. And from last night's heart-to-heart, I start examining the rest of my life.



I allow God to scope out my heart, like a house-guest walking upon a trashed, filthy living room...



As my walk with God had well, been long-gone these past 2 months, I have noticed so much of my
life go to shambles. I mentally know that my life without the Lord is the worst, but I hardly ever take into consideration
just how bad things can get, how much I can lose, until I decide to fall away from Him. As I had made baby-steps towards
neglecting my faith, subtle changes started happenning.

"Oh surely, missing some time, praying and talking to God won't hurt..."

"Oh, studying the Bible or reading it in general is just too tiring...I have other things I want to do."

"I'll make it up tomorrow...or the next day...or...eventually."


As I was clinging to excuses, I started slipping into a deep pit. A crippling depression had left
me in shackles, and I started getting fatigued and weak. I loosely let my tongue slip with frequent
cursing and filthy talk, acting completely out of character. My old struggles and my old sins, the wrong things that I do,
started popping back up. My emotional sickness eventually turned into literal sickness, in which I'm still trying to get over.
My relationships have been strained and my selfishness has reigned in every situation, placing walls between me and them.
I started allowing my circumstances to dictate my mood, my actions, and my entire life.
I have been in need of a serious attitude change...or just a plain reality check.

I have been a hospital patient, in agony over their disease, but clearly unwilling to take the drug that would cure me. I was
deeply suffering in my own consequences, my own pride and selfishness...but I didn't want to give it to God.

It took all of this from last night to get me to want to start making changes. It took last night to try to stop being so self-reliant,
to open up and be a bit more considerate. My friend, and God through her, helped me to see how I've been and what needs to be done
to make things right. I want to go, one relationship at a time, and get things settled. So for the first time in a long time, I started completely
giving it to Him. I started conversing with God and asking for help. And I know what I need to do. I need to seek out and ask for forgiveness
from my ex, from my friends, from my acquiantances and everyone involved. How about you? Do you have anybody you need to work it out
with?

For whoever is reading this...please forgive me for taking all of your time. I'm not writing for an audience--I'm just simply
wanting to share what happened...for those who in my life who have been affected by what's been going on with me, I am deeply
sorry. I'm not asking for you to immediately get over this and pretend everything is okay, because it's not. But I do hope that you can
someday forgive me. I love you guys.

Can any of you relate? Does anybody want to share their experience? If you have any comments, questions, concerns, or opinions,
just drop me a message or comment below. I'd appreciate hearing from you.

~~Sarah Katelyn Parker~~

Game Over

You don't know just how much I want to describe just how I'm feeling.

In fact, I don't think you know how to just plain feel.

I'm not sure just exactly how I'd go at it, but I almost want to do anything I

can to inflict as much pain as you have done towards me.

But, I want to be more mature than that.

Games are for kids.

And I'm done being played like one.

Surely, I could guilt-trip you, blame-shift, cuss you out or shut you out,

but no matter what, it wouldn't do a justice.

Just who can I trust anymore?

Who will stick around anymore?

It's things like this that hardened me more and more.

Things like this that cause me to shut out and be unable

to cry or express myself as I once

would have.

To take advantage of my pain and confusion, because you knew you could have?

To feed off of my drama, my pain, my confusion...

To wedge yourself in the middle of my relationship, in efforts of helping?

I regret letting you in the middle of it.

I regret giving of myself, my time, my emotions, my thoughts to keep up probably

what's been a lie of a friendship. I regret confiding to you, complaining to you.

I should have just kept my mouth shut about all of it.

Did you really have to go at things like this?

Really?

I hope you're happy. I hope your proud, so you can add more to whatever ego

you have. To manipulate, to lie, to use, to fool, to humiliate me to the point of

breaking...all in the name of MY happiness?

Good job. Checkmate. You won.

Game over.

"The songs I can not hear

The voice I can't forget

The thought that just won't fade..."

(You Are, by SKP)